God, I am a coward.

The hardest tests are about love.

I am a coward. I cannot look at the images coming out of Gaza. I admitted as much to my son and he said, “Ya, I get it. I’ve been looking at so many images and videos of dead Palestinian children and babies. Whatever you think it is, it is worse.”

He and my husband are brave. They can’t look away. At the same time, my husband can’t sleep because the images keep replaying in his mind. They turn into nightmares.

I know that if I open the door and look at those images, they will kill me from the inside. I have peeked through my fingers and retreated. I am a coward.

I feel guilty. I am safe. I am eating. I have water, electricity, and a roof over my head. I live a life of luxury by comparison. I am alive. God did not choose for me to be born in Palestine. I live in America and I have the luxury of looking away. Of “taking a break.” Of escaping reality. They never do.

God gives those God loves the hardest tests. What does that say about the Palestinians? About me?

Perhaps among the hardest tests is doing something because you have the means, the freedom, and the opportunity to do something. To stand for your fellow human beings that are suffering and completely helpless to do anything except suffer…and pray for someone like me to do something to help.

I cannot turn away. I cannot NOT do something. If I rise to the occasion, perhaps God will send someone to help me in my time of need.

I cannot be cowardly. I cannot write about what I haven’t seen. God help me. God, please hold my hand as I open that door. God forgive me if I can’t keep it open too long for fear of what I will see.

God, forgive me for being a coward. Give me the strength to rise above my fear, to turn my sadness, outrage, and anger into righteous action, and to always honor Your clear instruction to never allow the injustice of others make you unjust. May we all remember and adhere to Your divine guidance.

And may You never let go of my hand, or the hands of so many others now in need. I pray I can be worthy of your love, for giving me this very, very hard test. Ameen.